My Emotions Are A Scam...

Hey people! It's Vira and I am here to tell you I have come to the conclusion that my emotions are a scam! 
Yup, total scam.

The thing is this, while I am usually quite sensitive, I am not really an emotional person but there are times when a gangster like me one can't help it.
I usually get all emosh at weddings or while watching wedding scenes on TV. I don't know why. I really do not know why...

Just the other day, I was watching 'Queen Sugar' and sweet aunt Vi was getting married to her love, Hollywood. It was beautiful,
I got all emotional and welled up...and let it flow. 
Then I remembered how these emotions betrayed me on my own wedding day!

See, because I have a history of crying at other people's weddings, I was sure I would cry at mine. I told my Maid of honor to standby with tissue and blotting paper so I can clean my tears while making sure the money, sorry, I mean make-up on my face does not wipe off.

And off we went, all dolled up, waiting for the vows; my cue to cry. 
Right?
Nope, no right...
I did not cry...at all!

It was waaaay after the wedding ceremony that this occurred to me and I came to the conclusion that my emotions are indeed a scam. 
What in the name of Judas Iscariot was that?
My emotions betrayed me!

*wipes lone tear*

How can someone who has cried at other people's weddings not cry at hers? Got me thinking...
Is this me? 
Is me be this?
Whattapun?
My people, I have cried at weddings that I did not even know the bride and the groom. 
NO, I did not gbo and ya jor, I was invited.

Well, the same emotions eventually realized they were supposed to be active and  got to work when I did not send it message. 
And so I cried when I least expected to. 
I cried when normal human beings with emotions that are not scam would not. 
So, yeah, this is the story of how my emotions betrayed me on my wedding day. 

How about you? Do you cry at weddings? Did you cry at yours? Do you think you will cry at yours? Please gist me...I cannot be the only cry cry here.

Thank you again for stopping by and reading the 99th post on the blog!
                             *drum roll, please*

Wait, what have I been writing? It really does not feel like I have written that much....
Maybe I am not so lazy after all *grin*
So...how do we celebrate the upcoming 100th post?

This is how...
I will not be sharing link to the post (so only those who check the blog all by themselves will find out and get the freebies)
What freebies? Let's see...

One person will get a special invitation to the formal opening of Yasmin's new store and a bottle of the most amazing perfume oil from @yasminscents...better check her out on the'gram, she has the most amazing perfume oils ever! Who ever gets this will be blown away!

Someone else will get a pack of 6 cupcakes from @ozi's cakes. I might have to win this for myself. My girl makes the most delicious cakes. 
There'll be airtime to be won.
A trip to Dubai......in your dreams.
A movie ticket...
And Lunch with me. I know no one wants this so I will take myself to lunch and pat myself on the back for writing a 100 posts that I don't know how I came about. 

But what criteria do I use in choosing who gets what? 
You guys, please help me out and I will edit to add or mention in the comment section. I need ideas, please. 

xxo

Turn Up The Pink & Save The Ta Tas...

One fateful morning, years ago while getting ready to go to the office, my phone rang. It was my dear friend, MM who was supposed to pick me up for work. So I thought she was outside my house already. 

I took the call to say I was on my way out…and I heard her crying… 

Ha! Whattapun?

MM yaya? I asked?

“Please come, ki zo, zo kawai” she said, still crying.

What could it be? MM wouldn’t talk; she kept crying.

In a state of total confusing, I ran to MM’s so much for free ride. 

I met her still crying. She cried even harder when she saw me.

I was confused. 

She was a mess.

I didn’t know what to do so I held her tight still asking what the problem was…

“I felt a lump...” she eventually said.

Ha! Mogbe! Lump?

Cancer?!

M and I held each other and began to cry.

We cried because we thought M had breast cancer and was going to die.

The ignorance of it all!

Well, we got ready and went to the hospital; puffy eyes and all. 

The Dr. examined MM, carried out some tests and we waited for the results. 

The days waiting were the longest days of our lives. M lost weight, we cried all the time! Just making eye contact made us cry.

They were days of sober reflection. 

Well, results came back clean.

                                             

The lump was benign.

She did not even have to go through surgery to take it out. It was drained with a syringe and all was good. 

All is still good with M.

All this happened before I wrote THIS and THIS 

we have more sense now.

Today is the last day of Breast Cancer Awareness month, but I believe everyday should be. Adult women of all ages are encouraged to perform breast self exams at least once a month as “Forty percent of diagnosed breast cancers are detected by women who feel a lump, so establishing a regular breast self-exam is very important” and if, just if you find any abnormality, talk to someone, go to someone, speak to someone and by someone I mean a Dr. in a hospital. 

Remember that the best protection is early detection and a false alarm is better than being ignorant.

To those who are fighting Breast Cancer, I say #StayStrong.

#SupperSammy 

#Peddi

#Rejoice and many others who have lost the fight...

#RestWell 

#La’Millish.... Happy birthday sweetie!

XO

'Epp Me!

Hey God! 🙆🏽‍

My people, follow follow is not good.

I tell you, follow follow is not good!

As I write this, I am sitting in a vehicle waiting for ‘Stee. 

Remember him? He’s the one we did this amebo with HERE 

So this is what happened.... I was bored in the office and my boss sent ‘Stee on an assignment.

I decided to follow...an ci kafan kare.

I had no business whatsoever going with 'Stee, but I really could not afford to sleep so THIS does not happen to me again. 

You see why I chose to do follow follow?

Anyways, I’m here now. Even more bored than I was in the office.

Just sitting  In. A. Car! 😫

I should have stayed in the office, I tell ya! 

This was supposed to be a 20 minute assignment and we've been here for this long!

It’s past closing hours, I’m stuck here and have been here for about 2 hours.

Chai!

Who sent me to do follow follow?

What have I gotten my humble, hard working self into?

I shouldda just stayed in the office. This was not the plan.

Epp me, please.

Where Is My Chicken...?

See, I love food..

I love to eat...

I might even be a foodie. Maybe not a foodie foodie but a foodie alright.  

Let me explain; there are days when I can compete with a horse and win and there are days when I can stay without eating anything at all. There are days in which I crave a particular thing and I will eat that one thing for a week or more. Then there are days when I’ll only drink tea for as long as the system agrees with it.

But the interesting days are when I get to eat!

And boy, do I eat!

Anything and everything goes on such days.

So…I was on foodie mode while travelling, I had all kinds of snacks in my bag…and I still wanted to eat! So imagine my joy when it was time for food…

Yay!

The lovely lady asked if I wanted chicken or beef with my rice and of course, I said the cutest "chicken please".

Like duh, which Nigerian wouldn’t go for chicken? 

Isn’t the Rice and Chicken combo in the Nigerian Constitution?

So I sat up smiling and waiting for my rice and chicken.

The rice and chicken arrived…

Yay, right?

Nope. 

No yay!

No yay as when I opened my food and saw the ‘chicken’, my jaw dropped to the ground and it sat there for a pretty long time!  

Isn't this what every Nigerian 'sees' when rice and chicken is mentioned? 

What manner of audio chicken is this? 

Ha’ahn! I did not see any chicken at all!!!

Haaaa!!!

I looked very well and almost looked under the food pack for my chicken…

Haba! How will this woman look at me and ask if I wanted chicken and bring 4 soft cubes of something…

I am sure all Nigerians on that flight were disappointed because they must have all asked for chicken. I know this because at some point, the lady said she’d be back with more chicken and she disappeared for a while.

Just Imagine the level of disappointment…

30,000 feet above sea level; that’s some major level of disappointment I tell ya.

And this didn’t happen to me alone. Just the other day, while chatting with Miss B on her way to the land of the Kwame Nkrumah, she said “you should see the fake chicken sandwich they gave me, they rubbed it like butter”

“I no dey even see chicken at all…”

So this is an airline thing? Did they miss the memo that Nigerians do not joke with their chicken?

Please, people of airlines, next time you offer chicken to a Nigerian, endeavor to make it visible because next time I hear but do not see chicken in my food, I will ask out loud "where is my chicken?"

Oh, hey Millish...

How Yaji almost disgraced me.

                                           

Hey People!

Remember the Abroad gist I was giving you guys?

Well, it continues here….

So, I have heard from a lot of people (Pssst, Miss B) how certain food items are not allowed into some countries and how sometimes one could get flagged or even fined for carrying said items…

Well, Yours truly decided not to take any food items along when travelling so as to avoid stories that touch the heart. So I happily packed my bags but just as I was about to leave the house, I thought about yaji. 
What Northern person doesn’t have yaji handy, just in case?

That is how I took my yaji along oh.
I arrived the abroad with my yaji and was very convinced that carrying it along was  a very wise decision as the blandness of the plane food almost got me sick. I said to myself ‘Thank God you carried your yaji because if this is how the abroad food is, then there shall be wahala…

Moving on...

I got my bags and was struggling with them when I heard ‘do you have any agricultural something something in your bag?’  I am not sure if it was the phoney the lady was speaking or my ears were temporarily blocked but I truly did not hear the rest of it after agricultural….

Now the problem was this.... at the point, I could not decide if yaji was agricultural something……so I walked up to the lady asking and nodded (better to be told nah, you are clean than to be nabbed, right?)

After the nod, she directed me to a guy who asked where I was coming from.
“Nigeria” I said, and I would have raised 2 fingers in the air, Naija style but fear did not gree me. 
He smiled.
I smiled back at him

Do you have kilishi? He asked

Me: No

Him: Egusi?

Me: No

Him: Crayfish?

Me: No

At this point, he is probably thinking which kind fake naija person be this and I was  thinking to myself “looks like I am crushing this thing”. 

Crushing it!

Then he asked:

Him: So, what do you have?

Me: *crickets*

Him: *waiting for answer*

Me: *blank*

He looked at me, I looked at him.

He smiled, I smiled,
He was waiting….

Are you wondering why I was quiet?

Ewoooooo!!!

I was quiet because I did not know the name of yaji in English!

I tried. I tried hard and in my most humble, meek voice, 
I said “yaji”….

Him: What was that?

Me: Yaji…

Then I tried to explain what yaji is to him… he said "oh, ok. Can I see it?" Behold, that was when village people decided to gather…. I had no idea which of my bags had the yaji. Remember it was at the last minute I decided to go with the yaji? Well, the truth is that I was not the one that actually put the yaji in the bag so I had no clue where it was!

I held my head in anguish and thought “they have followed me” Brother man was waiting for me to make a move. I decided to say the truth. I told him I was trying to figure out which of the bags had the yaji and he waited…

I finally found the yaji and I showed it to him. He looked at it, smiled (again!) and let me go. I thanked him and walked out of the airport into a very windy road, with no clue which way to go and one of my bags fell off the trolley… 

Yup, I was a mess after about 24 hours in transit but I made it out with my yaji in tow…

And that is how yaji almost disgrace me in the abroad.

Before I conclude, please who knows what yaji is called in English?
Help me. Please. Because I cannot come and go and embarrass myself anymore. 

Oh, have a great International Day of the girl child... 
#GirlPower 
#CelebrateGirls
#GodBlessGirls 
#MommaOfGirls 
#CrushTheGlassCeiling

Xtra! Xtra! Read All About It!!!!

Hey People! 

It is me, Vira, remember me?

Please say you do! 

I know. I know we have talked about this disappearance act. 

I have tried to reply all the emails I got and I will do better. 

I promise....

Thank you all for putting up with me and visiting this page even when I have nothing up.

Thank you!

So...Your girl was in The Abroad and I brought gist...

The place is actually full of normal people...whowuddathought?! (wait. maybe i was in the the wrong places?) 

I did not see anyone making out or doing 'things' on the streets and I was looking out for it...*sigh*

They weren’t all semi naked walking around despite the fact that it was summer (all these film people be deceiving somebody) and nope, not everyone was fit, trim, tall, all model like with flat tummies, flipping long hair and prancing around...

time to stop being deceived by movies, Kim K and friends.

It wasn’t  cheap!!!!!

Especially for my Nigerian self with the current exchange rate. 

Every time we had to pay for anything, I'd convert the cost to naira, and my heart would ache. 

Everytime! 

Now, before I go on, I will like to ask; have I ever publicly declared myself a cheap skate?

No?

Ok, this is my official declaration that I am indeed a cheapskate. #NoShame.

Now imagine a self-declared cheapskate being charged $18 for an uber ride. 

The thing is this, the $18 did not pain me but when I got a debit alert of N4,680 from my bank, I passed out a little!

                                  

Four thousand six hundred and eighty naira!  That is three hundred and twenty naira short of transport fare to Adamawa state from Abuja oh! *mogbe* 🙆

At this point, I advised myself to stop with the naira to dollar conversion. I would not have survived to tell this story if I had continued that behavior. 

                              

I visited a lot of cool places across 5 cities and I loved every bit of it. The Willis tower is definitely one place that I loved and I am glad I got to visit. We were on the Sky Deck on the 103rd floor. Yup, 103! 

It was breathtaking, I was all awww and uuuhhh till it was our turn to step on the deck and the lady looked at me and said “everyone gets 1 minuet for a picture” 

Ha! 1 minute pere!?!

After following a queue for 2 hours to get to that point, feeling like I trekked from Okija to Ikom?  

Nope, not gonna work, the African in me was definitely going on ‘African time’ mode. And I am proud to let you know I took some extra seconds to get more photos...one minute fa, if I hear!

All in all, it was really cool and I’m glad I got to visit...legend even has it that Bro Barrack proposed to Sis MichMich in that building...(research for yourself before you start spreading gist from me please).

I was tempted to do one of these crazy poses for the 'Gram but who knows when village people will decide to come and break glass? 

Moving on....

This is a PSA!!!

Not everything in the Dollar store actually goes for a dollar!!!

I fell for that one.  *wipes lone tear*

Imagine my cheap self  happily prancing into the $ shop in my queen of cheap shopping state of mind...*wipes lone tear*

I was even thinking to myself 'we die here today'...

Imagine the betrayal when the first item I saw did not in fact cost $1.

Who did not live to be a $ store queen 😰

  

Was I in the wrong shop? I looked around and I was indeed in the $ shop. Ha! So whattapun?

Is this how Nigerian politicians learnt to deceive people? Only true cheap skates would understand my predicament...

It hurts till this day and I have not stopped asking....

WHY?!

Moving on...

Those Chinese nail technician portrayals in movies,...not lies!

Not a single one.

Totally accurate...them no send person at all.

They kept chirping in their language and even giving me instructions in the language!

And I could totally tell that the little old lady was gossiping about me. Don’t ask me how, I just do....

I was even thinking of....... Doing Nothing!

I respected myself and kept quiet before one of them would hadouken me back to Naija before my time. 

 The act of the Hadouken...
now you get it.

Oh, next time you see me forming for Keke, remind me that I was in one of these and it was cool. I actually liked it, it had music, the guy was nice and decided to appoint himself our tour guide sabi sabi somebody. He was quite friendly but i think he jobbed us small by the end of the trip. He seemed too happy and even offered to snap photos of us...are you thinking what I am thinking?

Not the actual one we rode in, I have never seen this guy in my life.

Self appointed tour guide was not the only overly friendly person. They all seem to be super friendly and smiley and chirpy. Before you know it, pictures of children and grankids are on display...Just like that!

Leaves you wondering where being friendly ends and amebo begins. *sigh*

That was definitely one of the problems I had being a zero friendly person (not proud of it but...)

Exhausted from all the friendliness and trying to figure out if it is amebo or not...

All these aside, it is a beautiful place and everything works! I kept wondering when our Nigeria will get to the point where light will not blink in a day, where the roads will be all good and car exhausts will not have to be changed every time one travels an hour out of Abuja. 

When will we have hospitals that work? 

When will our government feel jealous of all these other countries and decide to replicate what they see when they travel to the abroad? 

You see that Murtala Mohammed airport that we think is cool? Lol, my friend said “ai it is like motor park for them” ; she speaks the truth.

My people, have you ever been to Yola International airport? 

*Wipes hardcore lone tear*…

Lets' end the matter.

I know the onus is not strictly on the government because we sef get our own. How will the environment be neat and beautiful when we stay throwing bawon gyada from moving cars? When we will not drink pure water and dispose the sachet properly?

We need to do better please, we need to someday celebrate our country with real joy in our hearts, with pride and true patriotism because we are indeed happy to be Nigerians. So we will not be using side eye to be looking in awe and marveling at the beauty of the obodo oyibo like I did.

Oh, Happy 58^th to Nigeria, we will get there some day. 

Shonda Rhimes!!!

Yes!!!

Shonda finally did it.

Season 14 finale has to be the only finale that has had a happy, sunshiny, no cliffhanger, joyful ending. Somebody, pinch me!

So I was there half waiting for April to fall and die at the end.

Or maybe Emilia gets a seizure, Arizona's leg falls off or just maybe Jo runs away...

But Shonda let the angels sing hymns to her and she gave us a happy ending.

*wipes lone tear*

This was sooooo me at the end of the last 13 Seasons of Grey's 

Thank you Shonda Rhimes.

Thank you for not killing Arizona.

Thank you for not maiming Alex

Thank you for letting April go. Alive

Thank you for not killing Emilia during the surgery

Thank you for not sending Hunt to die at war

Thank you, Shonda for allowing Angel Gabriel speak to you....👼

I still wish she'd somehow bring Derrek back but then we all know her strenght lies in killing not raising. 

*rme* 🙄

straight face

Shonda is so brilliant. Did you know she is the creator of not just Grey’s Anatomy? she is also the creator of Private Practice

Station 19

Scandal

How to get away with murder

Inside the box

Off the map...and she has also produced some movies.

Wakanda (i just had to) brilliance is this biko?

 And I’m here, too lazy to put up a blog post. *slaps self* .

I should look into channeling my inner Shonda,  I know I have something in there, I just have to work on bringing it out. And I know that all of us have something; passion, drive, desire to do something great, to be someone who could inspire even just one person. Or maybe just follow your passion and do what makes you happy.

You know how we do! feeling like a Dr by association *if you know, you know*😉😉

season 14 ended so well, first happy ending!

Season 15, we wait!

xxo

When Malaria Hits...

It is never cool...
Nope, never.
I remember when my friend and bunkie, Vichy would insist she got all sorts of dreams that made her kick me due to 'malaria attacks', I'd just yinmu her...and say to myself 'this one is just a kicker and shame will not allow her gree so she stays blaming malaria...'

Till it happened to me. No, I was not kicking anyone but I had a very olodo dream, I have no choice but to blame it on malaria. So great is the olodoness of the dream that I am ashamed.

Wondering what the dream was about?
Here goes... Yes, I had a dream! *just not like Bro MLK*
I had a dream that we had a carrot tree in the house!
Yup, you read that right. Carrot tree fa! *are you nodding in agreement to the malaria gist?
 Yes?
*sigh*  

Biko, if not malaria, from wicked mosquitoes, who dreams about a carrot tree?
shamefully raising both hands. Is it just me? Anyone else? 
Please?

That is how I woke up and shook my head for myself because, you know, shame catching things...

Then... the very next day, I had another dream in which I was baby sitting. At first I could not make out the face of the child till she began to cry for her mommy and  I went to carry her, guess who the child was.....
It was Blue Ivy!
Yes I had a dream that I was babysitting Blue Ivy. You know, Beyonce and Jay Z's daughter...

See the 'are you well?' look she is dashing me. 

Now I know that I need to humbly take myself to the hospital to get treated for malaria. I am telling you, this is not good malaria.

But.... is anyone else as worried as I am that I actually found images of carrot trees on google? Looks like I am not the only one malaria has hit this bad. Please where are the roll back malaria people? Work dey for una oh. Though I have always hated mosquito nets because they are not sexy, I am now thinking of getting one as I cannot ever have such olodo dreams again.
The olodo-ness  is of epic proportions.

So please, be careful, Nigerian mosquitoes are not smiling. Get good insecticides, get mosquito nets (I am searching for sexy ones), take care of your environment, use insect repellent, do whatever it will take to roll back malaria and end olodo dreams.

xoxo

Holla!!!

I woke up today and decided to write, then it happened. I went blank.
Again.

I have been staring at the laptop for a while now and was about to shut it down and give up on putting anything down *again* when I reached out to my yellow friend who helped me out. My dear dear Yellow said start by writing 'I woke up this morning and decided to write...'

So.... I woke up this morning and decided to write. Again.

Errmm, that is not entirely true though. I did not just decide to write today, I  have been trying to write for a while but for some reason, I have not been able to. I have written countless posts in my head; really interesting posts I tell ya! But I have not been able to transfer any of those to the blog. But today, I am doing this!

Yellow said it is 'writers block' but I think somebody's village people are behind this 'block' because I don't write anything serious enough for any blocking to be taking place. So, yes people of Kwajjafa, una weldon. *owner of village can come claim their village*

Moving on from Kwajjafa people.
I am finally writing and not just in my head, but on the blog. *yay!*
Oh blog, I have missed you.
Notice the new look? You like? *please say yes*

It feels amazing seeing that some of you have been checking on the the blog despite the fact that I have not posted anything in over a year! Can you believe that? Its been a year since my last post! Thank you for stopping by. Really, thank you and sorry for disappointing you by not putting up any gist, photo, prayer, song, random fact, amebo, serious thought provoking *wink*, mind boggling gist information. Really, I am sorry.

I feel like I let myself down by not following through whenever the thought of putting up a post came up. It is almost like thinking about a friend we know we should check up on but somehow, we never do then time keeps going and before you know it, its ages later and you are embarrassed to call this friend to tell them the color of your asoebi because....well, not keeping in touch.

Life happens and we all have a lot to deal with *this adult life ehn?* but we never know when that 'hey big head' or 'hey chicken legs' would go a long way. *pssst, if you are always nice while hailing your peeps, check that friendship well, e fit never done*. Ehen, as I was saying, a call, sms, bbm, watsapp, imo, etc to a friend every now and then could go a long way. If you have not said hey to a friend for a while, please pause and send that 'Hey' then come back to finish reading this up. Please come back oh!

Let's not wait on being the best we can to our friends. This is not saying we have to reach out everyday *no data for everyday hello because.....recession* but reach out. You never know when that hello could save a life, give hope, call for a prayer or simply put a smile on someone's face.

You know your friends, the ones that will ride and die with you, I call mine the Ushers *wink*, I have got my SIP. See my friends? My BFFs, the Ushers? Their head is not correct but I love them to the moon and back. No, we don't talk everyday but at any time, I know these sisters have my back and I will never take them for granted. They know me, they feel my pain, they share in my joy, they give me the worst advice ever, they cry with me, they steal from me, they love me, they mock me, they pray with and for me and they cannot wait to groove with me!

Please check on your friends and remember you got this advice from Vira so pop in here and check on the blog when you check on your friends and if you don't have any friends, make this blog your friend. I promise not to go another year without a post. I will not disappoint you anymore, I promise on the legs of Garkuwa people to come with gists for y'all.

So yeah, Holla! I am back.
Who wants a box of delicious donuts?